Cleaning your energy....

So in my ongoing quest to find purpose, balance and a normal life, this year will bring some new tasks for "project: secret".  Since "project: secret" crashed & burned last year, I'm going to approach it from another angle.

I have been very shallow with this project. I didn't use it to its full potential last year & it failed.  It hung in there but it failed, let's be honest.  So I revisited it, looked st it differently. Same project, same idea, different view.

Something I should've done & have wanted to do for some time is to clean the energy in my living space. Yeah, it sounds new age but really. It can't hurt & it may have do some psychic good.

And I need the psychic good. This includes cleaning clutter,"cleaning" stagnant energies in corners and making space so that you can concentrate, and direct your energy in other directions.

July....

July was a turning point. My Vegas psychic was right to a point. But thetes 1.5 days left of the month & I'm curious to see what happens.

This was a perfect balance of good & bad. July was the turning point. THE turning point. But I did good :)

Clean slate

Clean slate.

Using the lessons I've learned 2013 first half

Forgiving anything ive done out of confusion. A new perspective on everything & everyone.

Psychic was right! :0 July is turning out to be a turning point....

2013 - 2nd half...

I'm now a bit stuck. The 2nd half of this year has not been what I expected. 2 new game players, change of feeling, and a predicament.

The 1st two weeks of July have been turbulent for this project. I still don't know if I'm making progress on the project itself, but definitely making a change in me. :0

Week 1 - I surprised myself with my reactions but fell for the whole pattern yet again. Week 2 - a little but easier but I know what lies beneath so I'm not trusting the situation.

My psychic said July was decision month. Just dont know if it's going to be as great as her cards told her it was gonna be....

Skipped reports...

So I have been elsewhere in my mind lately & forgot to post...my conclusion for the last 3 weeks is this - ask and you shall receive, but please be specific what you're asking for!

I got what I wanted more or less, but in the wrong context & in abundnce!  :0

Is it good though? I dont know yet as this us all still in development. But, whoa.

6 month progress report

Aside from the extreme ups & downs, it's been a positive experience. There have been really bad times but they are much fewer than last year. Much fewer.

At 6 months, I think ive made a positive turn & this project, which I've denounced more than once, has proved to be something I should continue

6 months = success

Week 19, milestone approaching..

At week 19, I'm trying to look for some longstanding progress.

But with good weeks & bad weeks, I am officially on a roller coaster I can't quite seem to get off of.

This week was good. At a 2 month point since the last big disaster & a few calm moments, I think I'm ok right now. But things seem to change do quickly....

week 18, etc ..

Success on 2 projects with positive results, feedback. Never realized how much of a roller coaster this was until I started tracking it

Week 17...the witching hour

As we close week 17, I feel as I've lost control of this whole secret project.

I've made a big decision to terminate certain things and I'm uneasy with this. As well as abandoning "project: secret".

Aaaand I was talked out of it. Right now my biggest enemy is me, my indecisiveness & my ever-changing personalities & perspectives. Imuneasy right now & looking at my life in general as a path I completely messed up. And I know where I messed it up too. Time & place. If I could go back & fix it all....I would.

week 17 - birthday week...

following 2 vegas trips and some bday stuff... this was the week with my saturday night, friends in a bar birthday celebration.

this night came with some disappointment, as my birthday usually does.  about a quarter of the people who were coming actually showed up.  my ride was super late which made me late.  my friends that actually showed up were the early to bed group, not the late night group, as i am in...

i changed the venue to accommodate one friend who didn't show.  and 2 of my close friends decided not to show but forgot to tell me.  to end the night, a whole group of other people who were coming canceled last minute.  and my 'partner in crime' was mad at me for the evening.

i was pretty much done.  it was like one thing after another.  and the more i tried to widen my fake smile and dance and drink til i forgot i was sad, it didn't work.  ill be honest - i was disappointed.  those im always there for, never showed.  those i always transport & assist, put me on their schedule.

i always see my birthday as a measure of who your friends are.  its the one day you can unselfishly claim as your own.  i try to go for everyone else, and every year my group gets smaller.

i failed this week.  i was sad.  i admit it.  it hurt when i had to message people at midnight to see if maybe they just couldn't find our table.  and this week i couldn't hold it in.  it had been a little bit of an anxious month between work and some other issues i lied to myself about comfortable with.  it was just one petty final straw that set me off and my night ended badly.  trying to make up for it now and week 20 didn't go well either.

i feel like im completely failing at the secret project of 2013.  30 days to make a new habit??  im on week 17 and i have nothing to show for it.  when does success kick in?

Week's 14, 15 & 16

With most this time being out of town, I was off balance.  And a birthday. Some things have been on my mind that I've tried to deal with...

Well one last petty thing piled on top of it all & it all came out. I was back to that our of control that I've kept under control for so many weeks. That I was proud of. 

I guess I start over tomorrow. There's some big things coming up & its going to be my last chance to change.

Viva las birthday!

I put it on a goal list, I planned it & I did it.

2 back to back Vegas trips around my birthday!  2 totally separate opportunities came up & I grabbed them both!

Sometimes asking the universe for things does work! It wants us to be happy, so ask & you will receive!

week 13 - back to normal

week 13 - with some things talked about, some things happily forgotten and the will to keep moving forward, week 13 was decent.  there were easy times and my reactions are becoming much more natural.  its easier to just react now in the way im trying to than having to think about & be constantly aware of each one.

this is good.  theres been a few issues in this first 3 months, but its getting better.  and this week was good.  i dodged some serious bullets and prevented trouble.  things that wouldve gotten out of hand 6 months ago, ive started to learn how to steer away from. 

3 month check in

weeks 11 & 12

week 11 - perfect.  everything went great.  no complaints.  actually it went better than expected and i made progress in several ways

week 12 - started well.  had the potential to be wonderful.  get this, due to circumstances beyond my control, circumstances im still to this moment trying to figure out, complete & utter disaster.  everything ive done in the last 12 weeks was absolutely unraveled. 

why?  i still am not clear on that.  i felt like this was totally out of my control even though i had done everything right.  id done everything according to plan.  and things were just getting better & better.  so wtf happened??!  

im angry, im confused, im frustrated and to this moment, every time i replay it, im not sure what i couldve done different to save this one.  i know life throws you curve balls, gives you lemons & isn't fair, but this was so messy.  i feel totally sideswiped.  and a bit betrayed by this whole plan. 

again, i will never go into details about all the overall basis of this secret plan, i will say this:  i finally find a plan i believe in, i find something to try, i find something im excited about and it blows up.  at my 3 month point, one day blows up the last 3 months.  can i come back from it?  only next week's blog entry will tell, i guess. 

week 10 - an update

still going good.  however, there hasnt been much opportunity to screw things up right now.  but ill take what i can get.  i am learning to adapt to behavior that seems to be getting me where  i want to be.  and the more i do it, the easier it becomes.

week 9 - thru march 6...

i did good this week.  everything went according to plan.

this week went a bit different though, with majority of my week being my own time and not enough opportunity to test my reactions.

but when i did have the opportunities to screw up, i didn't,
little by little, im gaining little bits of control.
and week 10 is going to be similar as may be week 11.
we'll see. :)

Week 8 not so good

I am my own worst enemy.

Anything I want I...I get in my own way of getting it.

That's all I can say about week 8. The next few weeks are going to be almost pointless.

lucky week 7

week 7 included vday.  a holiday i dont really care for but if im asked to celebrate it, i will.  im completely indifferent to it.  but there it is.

it actually went well.  good times.  the very end of the week though did present not only a surprise im not too excited about but introduced a feeling of uncertainty in me.

i did good this week on this project and did everything right.  in my opinion.  this next week will give me some more direction.  very interesting position im now in.  but i still kept to my 'project: secret'.  im proud of myself for lasting this long so far.

week 6 - true story

week 6 complete and im pretty happy with it.  i stuck to my plan.  the weekend was good and i kept my composure.

and you know what...

"you catch more flies with honey."

week 5 - hello february

week 5 - i done good.
i behaved. 
i kept my passive aggressive comments, texts, statuses, tweets to myself.
there was one moment i almost lost it a little but i quickly regained control.

and i tried something... there was a situation that in general i wouldve been upset with.  why?  im not sure.  i stepped back, applied the situation to a different person and all of a sudden things didn't seem so dire.

example, my best friend does something crappy.  i step back and say, 'what if my sister did this instead of my best friend?'.  assigning the situation to a different relationship of mine puts things in perspective.  i did this.  it worked.  and then i realized how petty things can get grow and get out of control.  why?  expectations.

we all do it - expect too much from others.  maybe its those closest to us or bc we reacted a certain way towards them that we EXPECT them to act a certain way towards us. 

i analyzed the data, realized the situation, applied the variables to a different constant and the results came out differently.  i changed my reaction and everything went super smooth.  who knew?  this is actually working...